That voice in my head named Charles!

Wake up, make coffee, have breakfast, do chores, cook lunch, have lunch, watch some TV, be social (as much as your mood would allow you!), relax from the day, sleep and repeat!!

Sums up most of our lives, with minor differences like no cooking and going to work instead of chores. Other than that, we are all in an endless loop of monotony.

I have the exception of a little voice in my head! A little voice that keeps on bugging me all day, every day and sometimes in my sleep! I shall call it Charles, yes! Charles seems very fitting as a name. He is a British child who sounds too sophisticated for his age and wants to do nothing but play and wreak havoc all the time yet is very docile and innocent, also it is Charles and not Charlie because he always wants to be taken seriously! Not sure why I chose that name or nationality, but I guess “the voice” has a mind of its own, it chose, not me!!!

So, I would wake up thinking of all the things I want to do that day and Charles would convince me to think of something hypothetical, unimportant and have me pondering about it all day! Like what if my cat decided to talk, what would it say? Will it like me? Or when I am cooking lunch and Charles decides to role play that I am Chef on TV and I start explaining my process in a very unnecessary and theatrical way!

Charles also puts a lot of scenarios in my head about anything that I want to say or do! Even if it as simple as calling a friend or getting groceries, a little voice always says- You will see that person, or the conversation is going to go in that direction and you need to say this and do that! You see, I am never bored, granted these scenarios never happen, but I am always entertained!

The thing is, most adults don’t have a Charles! They had one probably till they were about 7, but they grew out of it, I didn’t! Well I did for a while, and I was miserable, I felt like I was living in that weird loop of monotony, not having any fun and not connecting to my dreams.

The old people I like knowing and watching are those in their 70’s or 80’s, still wearing what they like, dancing and just having fun. Most people in their 30’s are not like that. We seem to think that as we get older we need to get serious, but what is “serious”? It doesn’t mean that we stop having fun, and sure does not mean that we become living Zombies, always worrying about the next problem that will happen.

Having said that, there is a BIG difference between being a Zombie and being reckless and irresponsible. You see, most adults want more, more of everything, if they have a car then they want to upgrade it; if they have a house, then they want a bigger one and so on. As an adult, you need a job, a roof over your head and a means of transportation. We take it to the next level….

Growing up, I never wanted to be the best in terms of ownership, I never wanted the big house, the best car or the gazillion clothes and shoes and whatever. No, I wanted to be happy, I wanted to be good and kind and I wanted to have worth as a person and not as an owner of possessions. Charles keeps me in place, that little voice always asks before I want to buy something- Do you really need it? How will it change your life to own it?

Charles cares about having fun, but he also doesn’t want to grow up! A lot of times I find myself refusing to be the adult I see in others around me, I refuse to be boring, I refuse to worry about things before they happen, and I refuse to turn into a Zombie!

As an adult woman, I hardly put on make-up, do my hair or worry much about fashion trends; I however, always dress nice, do my nails and take very good care of my hygiene. I do not wish to be judged by my appearance, I want to be judged according to who I am as a person. This is where Charles comes in handy, that little voice keeps on telling me that I do not need to be like everyone else to be accepted, that I don’t need to all dolled up to have fun; and nothing can be more true. This of course makes me excluded from a lot of “adult” conversations since they believe that I am just so different. But out comes Charles again and I am entertained!

I am not insane though! I know that there is no Charles, but I also know that we all need one. We all need an inner child, a child who does not care about the materialistic world and just want to have fun again, we all need to stop and breathe for a while. Women need to stop worrying about how they look all the time and adults need to stop anticipating problems before they happen. When I get over stressed and feel that life is too much I take a break, I dance, I read, I laugh and act silly, I reconnect with how I would have acted as a child and I feel better. My only problem is that when I do that people just think that I am being aloof.

I try to still look at the world with child-like wonder, I do not see anything as impossible and always let my mind run free, I let Charles run wild! Even though I do not have a care-free life, I am not spoiled or ridiculously rich, I do not have all that I have ever wished for, but I still have the things that I let no one take away from me, my imagination, my wonder, my mind and soul.

Maybe you too need a Charles in your life, a reminder that we are all children with experiences and a forced role to play that was given to us by society. Today my inner child told me to write, just simply put my unfiltered thoughts out there, I always wanted to be a writer (I know I am not very good at it!) but I still do it even though I know no one really reads what I write, and no one cares! But I do it for me! I do it hoping that one day people will read and maybe something will change, I do it because it makes me happy, but most of all, I do it so I do not lose touch with Charles!

That thing they call Adulthood

As a teen, I had a fairly good idea where I wanted to be in my 30’s, now that I am there…. Well…. Things are very different!

I thought I would have travelled half the world by now and had all these great adventures, maybe even gone backpacking through Europe and chanted with the Yogis in India, but they don’t prepare you to what adulthood really is.

There is something about giving in to being an adult that it just hits you one day and all these thoughts start running through your head, and you can’t seem to stop them.

You need to settle down now! You need to look for a steady job! You need to be established – Everyone else is! You need to be stressed out about the future! You are not young anymore! You are an adult now, start dressing and acting like one!

I tried having a corporate job, and I was so bad at it, it was eating me alive, I couldn’t deal with office politics and I hated the restraints. Now I feel like I am half an adult, I am married (no kids yet) and I am a stay at home wife. All adults around me work and I stay at home, cook, clean, do laundry and errands and I also found a free-lance job that keeps me a bit busy. Sure, that takes most of my time during the day, but most people look at me like I do nothing!

The questions keep coming at me from everywhere like they are crazy arrows trying to hit a vulnerable target. How come you don’t have kids yet?! How come you don’t have a full-time job?! What do you do all day?! Aren’t you bored staying at home all the time?! Don’t you need the money?! Well Thank you very nosey people in my life! Yes, I do need the money, yes I am bored sometimes, yes I wish I had a full-time job that didn’t make me think of creative suicide ideas! But the kids’ thing, well... that is nobody’s business… get out of my bedroom and my Uterus!

I have to deal with myself and people around me all the time. I have to explain to myself why I did not become the person I thought I would be when I was 15 and I have to defend myself in-front of people about the person I have become now, and it is EXHAUSTING!!!!!!

Sometimes I feel that I am happy with life, but life is not happy with me! like I wake up every morning waiting to be questioned by someone and having my life choices put under the spotlight; because we all know that everyone is an expert in everyone’s else’s life.

I do admit that I made a wrong choice in my career and I chose something that was not for me, now at 34, I am trying to switch careers and failing! But we pay for our own mistakes and paying for it I am! I may not be the person I thought I would be when I was 15, but I like who I have become, I just wish that people would like that as well.

I guess that for people being an adult means that you have to be married, with kids, a career and be happy and successful in all aspects; if they feel that you are not fulfilling one or a couple of those things then you are a failure to them. They never ask you if you are happy, they never wait and give you time, they never think that maybe you already have more of something that they don’t.

What I hate most about being an adult is the time aspect- What are you waiting for?!! You are 34!! You are not young!! You don’t have all the time in the world anymore!! It’s now or never!! If not now, then when?!! You are just wasting time and one day you will wake up old and regretful!! WOW!! Seriously people! I mean, maybe I do not have the picture-perfect life, but who does??

So, I wake up every morning with a smile on my face, not giving up hope, and knowing that one day things will change, because they always do. One thing I learned about being an adult is that nothing ever stays the same. Life is divided into cycles, and every cycle is something new. One day I was single and had a full-time job, next thing I am married and have a free-lance job, so next cycle who knows; maybe I will have kids or maybe a job or maybe neither but will be living in a different country!

I just wish I had the courage to tell some people that how they want to see me is not necessarily the best version of me, that I may not be what or who they want, but I am me, this is my journey and where I am now is exactly where I was meant to be.

Most people living the adult life are lost, most are unhappy and over stressed, and if anyone tells you otherwise then they are lying (with the exception of a very few who were lucky enough to fulfill their dreams) But we always have a vision of how things should be, what is right and what is proper, and we always make sure that we say it to others. We all have a few missing elements in our life, but we give excuses to ourselves as to why they are missing, but never an excuse to others.

Most of the negative thoughts about myself come from other people, from their looks, questions or comments; they poison me, my ideas and how I view myself. I have a long way to go myself, that I admit! But I am in no way a failure. I have my flaws, but I know what and who I am. I am a struggling adult, like most of us are.

I will leave you with this thought- If we are to try and satisfy only the views of those around us, we will wake up one day and not know who we are or why we are here, we are all unique and as much as we are all fundamentally similar, we are all so very different. We all want to be happy, but your happiness is not like mine. I am me, strong yet weak, I am me, an adult yet a child, I am me…. So, love me for all that I am, all that I have become and all that am trying to be, or just let me be!

Where I live

Where I live, temperature can reach up to 42c in the summer
Where I live, I can't wear a cute summer dress and take a walk down the street
Where I live, I can't walk to the market and back, I have to take my car
Where I live, I can't drive to a wedding in an evening gown unless I wear a shawl to cover up
Where I live, my body is not mine to do with as I please, it belongs to society and its norms
All the little things that seem so stupid to even complaign about, so small in comparison to today's real problems; but aren't those things are what make us who we are?
Being able to choose your career, your job, how you dress, what your hair looks like... These should not even be debatable.
When you make those trivial elements an everyday struggle, then how can a woman have time to think of other things in life.
When a woman wanted a certain career but could not have it yet is asked to work to provide, what shall she do? How will she be able to think of something else to do, how will she thrive?
When a woman spends more time in picking her outfit, yet still gets disapproved by society and hears the nastiest things said on the streets, how will she be happy, productive and focused for he rest of the day?
I just want to live somewhere where I can be myself, wear what I want, believe in what I want, go walking whenever I feel like it.
Seems stupid and trivial, but as I am sitting in my living room wanting to wear a dress and go for a walk but I can't, all I can feel is being trapped in my own skin.
I am trapped in my own imagination, wanting to spread my wings and fly.
Never take the small privilages in your life for granted no matter what they are....

Awakening

This is not for shaming at all and tgere are a few exceptions to the rule, but most Middle Eastern Men are babies and spoilt ones as well!
Men grow up for the sole purpose of working and making money, no more no less.
He can not cook, do laundry, clean, do dishes, care for children or any other household chore. And I do not blame him, I blame the parents who raised him.
Men in this part of the world grow up believing that they have a given right over women to not do anything at home other than eat, sleep, complain and have sex.
Women on the other hand grow up knowing how to do everything on their own. In my opinion that makes them stronger and more reliable than most men.
Sure there are exceptions, but in the overall population that unfortunately is not the case.
This is why it pains me that women have less rights and enjoy less freedom than men. It pains me that when a woman does not feel appreciated she automatically thinks that she must have done something wrong.
Women do not need empowerement, we are strong. Women need an awakening.

A Messy Rant

This is a rant, unfiltered and raw....
Emptiness of a soul is different than any other feeling of emptiness. You can have all what you ever dreamed of and yet your own sense of purpose can be incomplete.
Sitting alone most of the time at my house now has made me feel that the world is a lonely place. No one waits for you, life does go on, and you can either hop on or watch from the sidelines.
I want to work, not to please the judging eyes of silence the endless questions or even to make more money for that matter -even though financial independence is important- no, I want to work to achieve something for me, so I can feel like my life matters to the world. I hate the corporate life and its values and I live in a country that does not provide a whole lot of options or alternatives.
The feeling for me that I am walking towards the bubble headed housewife stereotype that has people -and even myself- judging is hurtful.
I can't see myself in five years, I have no real goals for a career and the best I can hope for is something that would happen to change that. But what could? Seems like in todays tech savvy world and virtual connections there is no real place for a dreamer like myself. I crave human and animal interaction, I crave real emotions but as an only child I am also more than capable of entertaining myself. Then people ask me what I do all day....
I wish I had the capability like so many women out there to just make my dreams a reality, to make what I see in my head manifest into something tangible.
My soul is not empty but I am surrounded by emptiness. My goals and my life are not conventional, they belong to a hippie that lives now in a world that has long forgotten the free spirits of the ancients.
Ah well, maybe some day....

5 going on 35

When life happens, it does not knock on your door to see if you are ready. No, it just comes in and you better be prepared for it all. One day you are five, happy, playing and can't wait to grow up, the next day you are over 30 and clueless.
Think of your life as day by day and all days are the same, look 3 years back and it is so different. Where has it all gone? And what have we learned? Some things never change and some things are the complete opposite.
We all had dreams growing up and we had to change them, whether cos it was dictated by society to do so or because we just needed to survive. But do we ever forget our 5 year old self? Do we roam around pretending that we have planned to be what we are now all along?
We complain about fake people around us all the time, are we fake as well? Are we another version of us that has manifested over time and we have grown to belive it is our true self?
I still play like i was 5 sometimes, i run, play hopscotch, sing at the top of my lungs, pretend play. I enjoy balloons, face paint and pretending i can cartwheel.
I also now worry about money, rent, losing my body to gravity,what people think (sometimes!) and wanting a child of my own.
That 5 year old wanted to be a psychologist, a writer, an animal saver, a world traveler and a dancer. I remember having a dream about opening a flower shop in Italy too. Now, I am an ex HR employee with the heart of a child who is still as clueless about life as I was over 20 years ago.
What we plan for ourselves is nothing compared to what life has ready for us. But are we genuine enough to keep a part of that child with us through the journey? Or are we just fake versions of our true self that once was?

Responsibility of Freedom

The phrase "with freedom comes great responsibility" didn't really come from vain, as human beings we are all born free, some more fortunate than others but all responsible of one another. When we know our responsibilities we shall really earn our right to be free.
When we look around us we realize that people are not equal, some have money, some don't, some are physically challenged, some are musically talented, and the possibilities are endless really. However, some are the stars and the envy of us all; these people are usually the "beautiful people" such as celebrities, athletes or socialites.
The problem is we never really look down, as upper middle class people we are always aspiring to be the celebrities of our own community even if that means being the popular ones in our own group of friends. We never really realize that one of the purposes of us being here on this earth is to try and achieve equality among us.
Most people don't really realize that there are people out there who don't care about fashion, dieting, play stations and all that; they sound care free right? Well they are not, they simply care more about where and when are they going to get their next meal and they probably never even heard of a game boy.
Our criteria of being satisfied has become very different, now the only thing that would satisfy us is money and we are not really to blame, most things in life now require a lot of money, even the things that shouldn't be that expensive are. So our main focus is always on gaining more, which would be fine if we didn't forget the people who can't earn more and sometimes can't earn any at all.
Since we are free then we are able to do what we want, however what we want to do is hardly to help others. We forget that we are all brothers and sisters in the eyes of God, we all have a bond that is greater than color of our skin, native tongue, religion or country of origin; that bond is our humanity. Has it ever crossed your mind that there would be less wars if all humans –who can- were to unite together and put more effort in helping those who really need that help.
That way there would be fewer resources for buying weapons, since these same resources would be buying food and medicine for the needy. Moreover, instead of being rivals people would unite over helping others and have a greater cause. This should be how we prove that we are responsible and worthy of the freedom that was given to us.
I am not saying that we should let go of everything material and live in caves, but do you really need that extra jeans, play station game, McDonald's meal, over 6 pairs of shoes (for each season), and other endless extras that we have lying down somewhere in our houses and can't even remember where they are.
Now imagine that instead of buying things that will not really make that significant change in our lives we collected that money and gave it to the needy, can you imagine how many meals, clothes, housings, medicine, and all those very necessary things that we can't live without, can this amount of money buy for these people.
Sometimes it is not only money that these people want, sometimes all they want is to be treated equally or at least in a humane manner, they know that they are less fortunate than most people and it is our responsibility to show that we are worthy of that given freedom and instead of spoiling ourselves to the max, we should always bare in mind that when the day comes we shall be asked on how we spent our lives, did we make others happy and did we help those in need or not; we all can help but we need to set our priorities straight and not let all the sparkly materials get in the way of the greater and the real cause of life, proving that we are worthy.